I still remember the day you left.
As cliché as it sounds, it felt as if it were only yesterday when we said our goodbyes.
I remember going home and watching this movie called Blue Valentine with a tub of popcorn and a gallon of ice cream and thinking to myself, I wish this was a dream.
I remember the days after that when I wallowed in my nothingness.
The tears that fell from my eyes were like the raindrops falling from angry skies.
I skipped class. I skipped meals. I skipped meet ups with friends. I skipped life.
I felt like nothing.
You see, heartbreak isn’t always about the pain and the sorrow.
Sometimes, it’s just nothing….
I remember telling myself that I would never ever fall in love again; that love was a figment of my imagination; that love only existed in fairytales and movies; that a happily ever after for me was just never meant to be.
Unbeknownst to me, I entered this vicious cycle of pushing people away and started using men only for carnal pleasures. When someone would tug at the strings of my heart, I would immediately cut them off as if they were necrotic limbs in a seemingly healthy individual. I stopped my neurons from firing signals into my hypothalamus and told myself that love was an outrageous concept and that I and only I can make myself happy.
I drowned myself in paper works and studying so much so that I forgot how to breathe.
My cardiac muscle was pounding but still, I felt nothing.
My neurons firing action potentials through my neuromuscular junction but still, I felt nothing.
I was nothing.
But one day, while wallowing in my nothingness, I saw this light.
With great curiosity, I walked towards him and saw that his light shined so bright
So bright that even in my nothingness, I saw light.
He looked at me and I smiled.
Is this how people feel when they look at light?
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and everything was perfect
But I was afraid... Afraid that maybe my darkness would dim down his light.
I told myself that I would never be good enough but even then I tried so hard to be.
I wanted to be perfect but no one ever is right?
I made the same mistakes as my past relationships and I made new ones.
I clung on so desperately so afraid to live in nothingness again.
I texted so often that one would wonder if my fingers were superglued to my phone.
I called every now and then and I made my life revolve around him.
And like all the others, I suffocated him.
My light started to dim.
And I started to get afraid.
I fell apart and lost myself again.
Spiraling down to the bottom of my pit.
I once again lived in darkness, this time ignoring the light that was him.
And just when I thought that all was lost, he stayed.
Even in my pitch black darkness, he stayed.
He was patient. He was kind. He was love.
He stayed and led me to my own light.
He told me I was beautiful and showed me that I deserved love.
In other words, he pulled me back towards the light.
Months flew by and I noticed myself getting happier and happier
My darkness was turning into something I wasn’t used to.
And my heart actually started to flutter.
I felt butterflies. Honest to God butterflies in the stomach.
Is this what real love feels like?
Looking at myself through your hazel brown eyes, I saw what you see in me
The thing that I could never see… my own light.
So I started thinking that maybe… just maybe I wasn’t darkness after all.
Maybe, just maybe I started to become brighter in my own way.
He was my light and I was darkness.
But darkness fell in love and so darkness turned into light.
I still remember the day you left.