14 Diary Excerpts From When I Was With You

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4/17/17 1:04 AM

I’m in trouble in the way that your gut can tell when something is about to go absolutely and terribly wrong. I made a friend today, but God, it didn’t feel like just friends. When I spoke, he listened, and I mean he actually listened to me. When I grew quiet, he asked a question; when I laughed, he smiled wide. What surprised me is that I began to do the same, and for the first time in a long time I had an interest in another person again. It sounds so stupid, I’ve only talked to this kid for a week, but I feel something and I could swear he feels it too.
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5/02/17 8:15 PM

I need to watch myself, I’m getting close to this boy, too close. He’s dangerous and lethal, like a sweet tasting whiskey and I need to watch each step I make. It’s not him, in fact, that’s what makes this so difficult. He seems great; he’s smart and kind and, God, so good looking. But I always screw everything up. When I ruin this, I think it’s going to hurt me more than him, and I can’t put myself through that again.
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5/04/17 10:37 AM

I’m going to get hurt, I’m going to get hurt, I’m going to get hurt.
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5/08/17 3:02 AM

You laid on your bed watching my eyes as I slowly paced the length of your room. I reached the bed and stopped to examine your face and how it could possibly be so calm. An echo of a familiar chant told me to leave your room, not to allow myself to endure anymore of this emotional and psychological warfare. Still, I saw the way your silhouette glowed, and I wasn’t sure if my heart pounded from my anxiety or you.

“Even in the complete dark, you still don’t cease to amaze me,” you whispered, letting the bass of your tired voice caress the air that led into my ear. 

“You’re crazy,” I chuckled, attempting to hide the tear that began to well in the corner of my eye; if he only knew what he was putting me through. It’s hard to not fall for someone you’ve already jumped off the edge for and listening to him laugh and smile, and watching him be so damn cool, only made the urge to cry worse.

“You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for,” you said as you grabbed the opening of my jacket and pulled my face to yours.

I should have realized you were a thief when you stole Billy Joel lyrics to pickpocket my heart.
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5/09/17 2:28 AM

You explained how we should wait to date, how working together could make a relationship difficult, and I agreed. You said we should wait until the end of next spring semester because if we dated we would last longer than a couple miniscule months, and my heart fluttered when you said that. I told you it sounded like a plan, but that’s when your tone changed and I swear your pale blue eyes turned dark. You spat back that it wasn’t a plan, it’ll only happen if we’re both still single, both still interested, and that’s when I understood what I meant to you.

I had so much more riding on this than you, and that night was the first of many in which you broke my heart. 
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5/20/17 9:54 AM

My heart continues to break in the same way water leaks through the cracks of a dam until the pressure crushes it; the water flooding those who found protection in the structure. 

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5/22/17 10:22 PM

Why would you go after a writer? Why would you lead a writer on, allow her take in the sensory details of moments where your silhouette looked distorted in the waves of the pond you brought me to the first time we met? Why would you allow a writer to search for the correct words to explain the shades of blue that covered your irises and the words to explain the feeling they give when when I meet their gaze? I remember how you looked when you thought I wasn’t looking and FUCK. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
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5/25/17 11:03 PM

“This is going to be a long year,” you said, as we watched the eastern conference basketball finals together. You gave me this side glance and smirk that made me nervous to look into your eyes; a feeling I thought I’d be over by now. I shouldn’t like you, I shouldn’t like you, I shouldn’t like you. 

I’m going to get hurt, and you’re going to look so damn good taking me out.
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5/29/17 2:31 AM

Cornflower, cornflower blue. With a tint of a pale arctic blue that ran like cracks around your pupils. Sometimes, when they hit the light, they look utterly transparent, like water in a small creek you find during day hikes on paths you just created out of boredom and curiosity. 

That’s the color of your eyes.
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5/31/17 1:14 PM

There was this picture on Instagram and this girl was practically glued to you. This obviously made me cry; and I know we talked about, and agreed to, talking to other people, but saying it and seeing it are two completely different things. Now it’s real and now my heart is really broken.
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6/02/17 1:24 AM

I got high today because it’s my only way to rebel against you; the only way I know how to say ‘fuck you’ without actually saying it. You told me it’s been your lifelong dream to become a cop the first time we met, so you study criminology to pass time until the police academy. You told me in your car how you’d want to be in the DEA because you hate drugs, and I was worried you wouldn’t like me because I smoked pot before. I thought I’d give it up for you; I’d give up pot and drinking and going to shady parties in the basements of frat houses and flirting with guys who had bright blue eyes like yours and snapchatting boys who found me through tagged pictures on social media. I’d give up anything if that meant you’d like me. 

But now you don’t talk to me, as if I finally said or did something to make you realize that I’m not the one for you, or maybe I finally told you enough of my worse stories to push you away. I’ve been hurt so many times I’m not sure I remember how to flirt correctly with a guy to make sure he wants to hang around more than a couple weeks. I push people away so easily, it’s natural at this point.

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6/02/2017 1:58 AM

I finally accept I like you. I really, really, painstakingly, like you, and pushing you away and feeling you leave are the two most unbearable feelings I’ve felt in over a year now. So now I’m high because I know you hate drugs, and I was hoping it’d get you off my mind, but obviously I’m sitting here trying to navigate my keyboard to properly articulate how you make me feel.

I want to know how it’d feel to be in love with you.

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6/04/17 9:49 AM

I look in mirrors and think they’re glass because I don’t see myself looking back at me. I remember being strong and sarcastic, and I remember having this laugh that I overused as responses to conversation, and I remember not needing to rely on anyone else to determine my mood because I was happy with myself. The girl staring back at me is small, and she’s scared that her attitude will scare people away. Her eyes look broken and her heart doesn’t beat loudly anymore. She doesn’t look like much of a person at all.

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6/05/17 7:18 PM

I hope she has blue or green eyes that move like water in the sunlight like my brown eyes couldn’t do. I hope she likes your country music, and when it comes on she smiles and her head starts to bob to the beat. I hope she can sing along to the whole song since she has it memorized the way I couldn’t because I hated the sound of southern twang. I hope she doesn’t have an attitude and she can admit that she’s wrong. I was never able to control my pride.

I hope you’re happy, I hope you ruined this for a reason, I hope you hurt me with the best intentions. 

I spent 50 days trying to be with you, today marks the first day of learning to live without you.

Written By Carol H

Bio: Carol is a college student writing through her passion and emotions. When she's not in class, you can find her at the local coffee shop writing or on a couch that probably isn't hers.