Can Everybody I Meet Stop Sucking?


 I don’t like to complain. I love it. It brings my cold heart acoustic struds of inner joy to talk to myself about my life, overanalyze it, complain about it, and then completely suppress all feelings and memories of the latter by drowning myself out with sleep, exercise and eating grapefruit by the pound Crazy? Maybe. Odd? For sure. But if you don’t judge my coping methods for inner turmoil I won’t judge yours. But while I manage complaining and hibernating until my life mysteriously works itself out, I run along many a person, many a man, trying to find their way into my inflamed chaos of a social life with a coolant of love, passion, and embrace. And you know what? If they didn’t suck, that would be a-okay. But they do. And I’ve broken them down into categories for funsies.

1. Baby hiders

Is there anything wrong with being a parent? No. I have parents myself. I know some responsible parents too might I add, and they make the job look fun (or tolerable at the least). Is there anything wrong with you trying to date someone, invite them to shindigs with your inner circle, and try to parade them around while neglecting to mention the existence of your kid until said person is approved to follow your private social media pages? Probably. Actually? Completely.

2. Girlfriendhavers

Cutest story ever: once upon a time I thought I was going to embark on a new exclusive blossoming relationship with a family friend. A family friend whom I’ve known since I was six-years-old and lost contact with. A family friend who was my childhood, turned adolescent, turn undergraduate school crush whom had reached out to me after years of lost letters and IM messages. A family friend who after expressing his desire to pursue a relationship with his closest childhood friends’ sister, out of the blue blocked and deleted me off of all social media and stopped contacting me after making plans for me to fly to his military base to see him because *surprise*, he realized he was still in love with his ex/still fiancee.

These are things that happen to me 🙃

3. STD infectants

I’m all about breaking the stigma regarding sexual health, but if you make sexual advances to me and I find out that no-glove love is your preferred delicacy via text from a coworker warning me “Girl, don’t do it, please don’t do it,” that’s when things get a little hazy. “The kiss that never stops” was what she called it. Oh yeah he had a baby too.

4. Ghosters

Here one day, sending “Hey stranger” texts 17 months later. Enough said.

5. Dry texters

Umm, how the fuck is anyone supposed to work with this?

Unfortunately real text messages from my real phone.
With this being the type of man I attract, I sometimes look in the mirror and ponder to myself in deep thought:

Am I too, a hot mess?
My deep chestnut eyes stare back at me and say, “Maybe 🤷🏽‍♀️”, because in some respects, sure. I have student loan debt, I need a car that doesn’t have a check engine light tattooed on the dash, I am technically without an address, and I am at least 70% lost in a dour abyss of who and what I will become in my future as, at 23-years-old, my mortality has become a focal point in my life. I’ll write about that too. But for now, this is the crux of my social life.

Written By Alexis Green

Bio: Writer. Traveler. Pseudo-adult.