It is both strange and comforting to be writing about that particular period. Everyone knows that physical time is simply a physical time. It is how things happen, how things change and how much impact that determines space between past and present. And in this context, it does feel distant, but the realities born of this past still accompany me after all these years. I suppose they always will.
All of a sudden, the flood of memories came. The years, those long years are parading, grandly marching before my eyes. One afternoon was just a beginning when I finally found myself in a car, sitting behind. And just sitting there had produced an awareness. Every line of your body, every movement of yours- had set off a deep pulsing within me. The air wouldn’t seem to find my lungs no matter how deeply I breathed in. Hot, syrup seemed to replace my blood.
It was an uncomfortable stretched of silence, I just sighed- an enormous effort to relieve the tension. I looked at you while staring out the windshield. The low bass beat of the radio reverberated inside the car and up into my ribs.
I dropped my head back against the seat, staring out the window, watching the sights, the place laid green and vibrant, freshened by the afternoon’s rain that rinsed the August sky to a watercolor blue.
Each afternoon when the sky was showing signs of sunset, I could smell the Earth’s scent. The tangy elusive scent and the unique scent- your scent that filled my nostrils and teased my senses.
I was just beginning a period of discovery, perhaps at eighteen, the world is tremendous to everyone. It certainly was to me. Every time I ventured out, I found patterns: patterns of billiards, for strangers at the subway, patterns for the clinking of silverware during a patterned meal, pattern of the intervening patches of the sandy beaches- stained with a rosy gold sunset, when the very air hummed with the buzz of insects, the pattern of the stars being motionless in the dark night sky and all that.
Yes, I’d always love that handsome face with clear, tanned skin that always looked freshly scrubbed. Highlighted by the dash lights, your nose, your lips and your forehead that always formed an attractive silhouette. I knew in my heart that you felt my every lovely gaze.
I didn’t know how it happened but I just found myself being with you one day- enjoying each moment. I didn't know what was the catalyst that paved a quicker path to be together? Maybe that’s what they called a coming together of like temperaments in an unlikely world. And since then, as I remember correctly, I used to go out with you- having a cup of coffee together, strolling in the quiet City, midnight chats and have one hell of a time.
We were good friends. That's what you knew but, hell, I was madly in love with you. I was always wishing of you, filling the empty spaces between my fingers, kissing me and holding me. But you were so afraid of a commitment. Maybe it was because we were too young that time. Perhaps you didn't love me enough to be poor and unaccepted. Or, perhaps we were that two people who couldn't meet at a point.
And in an instant, there was a life's unexpected change and I decided to leave because I had no more hope that was left in my heart. I had no more hope that we're going to build a history together, perhaps a beautiful relationship. I had no more hope of giving me the love I have always wanted. I left without a single word, no goodbye, nor a promise of a new beginning. And that triggered the memories and the start of an abject hell in my life.
Pain seared through my heart each moment, everyday. I cried the tears of a lovelorn, the all-consuming spasmodic weeping that shatters my entire body for hour or end. I was so bitterly sorry for myself that I didn't know how to survive the lonely days without you. I have tried to hide the despondency to everybody but it lived like parasites, sucking away my ability to enjoy life.
I have tried to detach myself from the bittersweet remembrance that holds me back from the hope that, one day we will meet again. I have tried to take the courage to move on in a new direction but I failed. I still think about meeting you one day, maybe, just maybe at the end of the road- the one that involves only us.
I still see you. I always do. I still remember every detail- everything.
I still remember the first time I have set my eyes on you. It was the happiest time of my life. And even until now, when I think of your eyes, it still says everything. You are so adorable and those beautiful eyes still terrify me. It scares me of falling in love with you over and over again.
I still remember that whenever we're together, you reminded me of Richard Dean Anderson, in his character as MacGyver- smart, rugged, gentleman and handsome but afraid of a commitment.
I see you in every sip of champagne and a cup of coffee I smell each morning.
I see how you pretend not to notice me when I lovely gaze into his eyes. And that’s my favorite picture of you.
I see every detail of your beautiful handsome feature.
I see how your eyes deepened into an endless beauty each time I touch your heart.
I see you everywhere. In all the old familiar places.
I see you in every lovely summer day. I am finding you in the morning sun and when the night comes, I am looking at the opalescent moon and seeing you there.
I see you in every dream- sitting next to me, holding and kissing me.
I see you in every song I hear. Each song reminded me of that deep and sleepy-hooded eyes. Each song brings a certain glow. And each song reminded me of the man I am still dreaming to have even after all these times.
One day, those footprints will lead us back to the yesterday we once shared. Maybe, just maybe one day.
And if the heart has a memory somewhere in time, in the vast lingering landscape of the mind, these words will forever be inscribed: No matter what life takes, I will always love you. You will always be kept in my heart forever.
And here we are, starting all over again. How could you change the trend of my life this way? You came back into my life like a storm- just suddenly came blowing, then it changed my life forever. You came to me by surprise- in an unexpected and perfect time. You gave me the feeling I never thought I could feel and the last thing I know is that, it's the best, best feeling in this hell-like paradise. And every single moment in my life starts belonging to you.
Different emotions are filling those empty corners in my heart.
It's happiness. It's bliss. It's love. It's liberating.
I cannot imagine myself falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning with your face forming an attractive silhouette in my mind. I cannot imagine myself when each passing moment- everyday, it's you I'm thinking of. I cannot imagine myself the happiest person alive having you back again. It feels so right. It's true, we've lost so many wonderful moments. We were good friends and we never said what we truly felt about each other and this time let us both feel the love that's beautiful and new. And this time I promise to love you even better than I ever did before and you will be in my heart until my last breath. Yes, I'm telling you now the things I hid inside my heart for so many years. I loved you. I honestly love you.
Life was always funny, then. It was littered with loose ends. It's a bit happy and a bit messy. Perhaps it was so easy not to say goodbye back then. And I thought that when we lose people, we will never get to see them again one more time but I was wrong. Because you're right here, in front of me now, lovingly whispering my name into my ear. Somehow, some things never change.
We both know that we are entitled with some happiness. We made a mistake by walking away but that doesn't mean we have to stop living or that we're never entitled to another moment of happiness. And here we are, together- once again, making a fresh start. Fixing our lives one more time.
I love you and I always will, My Love. Please know that deep in your heart.
Know in your heart that I love you because you're a part of me. It's like your blood is running crimson into my veins and your heart beats in mine. I love you so much because of the years we've spent apart. I love you unconditionally and immeasurably. It's like the immeasurable vastness of the universe having billion of galaxies. And I want you to know that I love being in love with you and that won't really change.
Thank you for everything.
For finding a way back into my life again and for giving me the immense feeling of happiness. That's what when I fully understood what people meant when they said that someone had changed their lives forever. Because you changed mine. You changed the trend of my life. Each day starts with so much joy and ends with something even better. The way you say my name with so much love. The way you hold me in your arms like no one else could harm me. And just hearing the same laughter in your voice, could make me feel safe and comfortable, like nothing bad can happen to me. And it's the best feeling in the world that no one can ever describe. The way you look into my eyes is digging into my ribs. Every word you say is making my heart thud against my ribs. This is a genuine love, I know. The kind of love that fills my heart with so much joy.
Yes, the world is not already falling apart. Life is not scary anymore. I already know how to sleep at night because I feel you next to me, you know that? I'm so safe and I don't feel alone anymore in this limitless world.
Yes, true love lives on forever even after you're gone and even with years in silence. That feeling of excitement, of hope, of pure happiness and pride, the feeling of not knowing the future will hold but being ready to face it all no matter what happens. And these thoughts make me believe that some things last forever. The kind of love that never erased no matter what happens later.
Perhaps it's still too early to say I dare not hope for so much. But let's find strength in one another. Let us hope together. Let us make up for all the lost moments in our lives- all the times we spent apart.