To The Man Who Broke My Heart, You Were Once A Blood Running Crimson In My Veins

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You. Yes, you.

You run a mile away from me. I am not a priority. You never break down the walls for me, you never build a bridge and I realized I don’t deserve these. I know you are not perfect and you’re not fair and that's okay. But, thank you for always trying to make things a hell for both of us. An immeasurable thank you for not taking care of us. Thank you for the love that hurts, that’s difficult, that never gives hope and that doesn’t grow. Thank you for sending me on a journey that leads me to love myself even more.

I hate you. I fucking hate you for all the hell you’ve done.

First, I hate you so much because you made my heart swell in loneliness. For causing me a deep void of pain and for breaking my heart over and over again.

I hate you for coming into my life like the way some people are walking in and out of a bar. Entering when they want a sip of champagne or a taste of whiskey. And leave with unspoken words whenever they want. You are the only person who isn’t brave enough to say at least one word that despite what I thought, I too, deserve an explanation for this mess. 

I hate you for putting all what you have into bringing out the worst in me, in each moment. Those long nights and early mornings that you weren’t there for me. I know that you don’t love me enough to be there for you.

I hate you in each time you draw an emotional wall between us and that I was always trying to build a bridge. 

I hate you for always driving me crazy. It’s when you ignore my existence I feel unloved and not being cared for.

I hate you for playing your games with my heart. I’m not a toy designed just for your amusement, just for your fun and just the thrill of being with me.

I hate you for not loving me as a woman and as a human being.

I hate you for letting me walk around being starved for the smallest crumb of your attention.

I hate you for taking me for granted and for instilling in my mind that my presence in your life is never valued and appreciated.

I hate you for telling me all the passionate declarations when you know deep in your heart that it’s all  fucking lies. 

I hate you for letting me crave for true love, something more, something deeper and something real.

I hate you for pretending an emotion you never feel at all and for the truths that you distorted into lies.

I hate you for the sight of undulating swing of every day’s crushing sorrow. 

I hate you for making my world fall apart and for making me scared about life each time I go to bed at night.

I hate you to the moon and back. I am not telling you this for the sake of just saying it. I mean it. I really do. And I can't just continue taking care of someone I hate. I don’t want to be chronically depressed and living in constant fear for not bringing out the best in me and that I will stop chasing all the dangerous bullshits. I’m so tired of disappointments, heartbreaks and endless fights. I’m tired believing everything you tell me.

You. Yes, you.

You're in me, like a blood running crimson into my veins. But, I will take you out in all the parts of my body. I will grow brave and will finally live a beautiful life without you. I will find my own way about life alone because I know, I know deep in my heart that I love myself and I’m not going to love you forever.

Written By Bea C. Pilotin

Author Bio: I'm a woman who is passionate about coherent words. I love Ben Affleck because he has a name like my Dad that sounds like freshly laundered sheets flapping on the air. - Facebook: @beapilotin