I saw you today.
The usual happened of course. My hands began to shake and my breathing became rapid. I wanted to run up to you and apologize so very badly. To say I was wrong and that you were right…you were always right.
I hoped and I prayed though that you would walk away, pretending as if nothing happened between us. Because that is what mature adults do right? They just walk away. You didn’t though, you approached me with those broken eyes and hollow soul. I almost felt bad for a second, almost. I thought that I could just smile and everything would be fine, we would go get lunch or something and laugh about the old memories we had. We didn’t though.
I ran away. Fast. I said my hello and goodbye to you in the same sentence. I saw you had something to say, but I was not brave enough to listen to it. I know how you feel, but what scares me is I don’t know how I feel. As I was walking away, footsteps striding far away from you, my heart was beating fast and bleeding words into my body. “Stay stay stay.” I heard it, I heard my heart. But, I didn’t listen, I couldn’t.
When I got home I tried to reassure myself that I did the good thing. I didn’t need to mend the broken bridge, I didn’t need to tell you what I felt, I didn’t need to make you realize who’s fault it was. I am fine. I was fine. I will be fine. You’ll be fine. It’s a lie though and we both know that. I guess I never understood what else was at stake other than my emotions, I thought I worked it out.
I guess I needed those 3 minutes I saw you though. I act like it was a leisurely meeting between two people. But, I counted each passing second one by one, waiting for one of us to say something. I should have told you. I never should have lied to myself. But, I will just wait til I see you again, hopefully you will be waiting too. We both need convincing that we’re fine.