Regret Is The Heaviest Burden To Carry

Written By Ashley T Wilson

Author Bio: I'm Ashley. If Lara Jones and Indiana Jones had a baby, that's who I would be. I'm an Archeology major with a fairytale complex. I love good coffee, the blues, and living in the mountains.

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An over edited variation of this has appeared on Puckermob. Being the author, I wanted to be able to share the story fully. 

I didn't think I would be writing about you again. I definitely  didn't want to. I keep asking myself why I do. Maybe it's because I miss you. Maybe it's because I hate you. Or maybe I'm just trying to find my own closure, since I won't be getting it from you. 

I remember when we first started talking and how you instantly captivated me. We had a lot in common and I thought you were so kind and funny. I opened up to you in ways I have never opened up to anyone before.

I guess I was used to always being the wrong girl for someone. With you, I finally thought I'd be the right one. Why? I truly thought you were the one for me.  I thought you were my true love. 

That's why it hurt so much when you walked away. You have pieces of me I never gave to anyone else. That's not me being dramatic, but completely honest. 

I felt safe with you and that’s huge for me. I stayed loyal to you when we didn’t even have a label, when no one expected me to. 

I remember when you left for boot camp. We'd been talking all of two weeks, but that connection was there. I swear I still haven't felt something so instantaneous. You called me and even texted me a few times. You could have gotten in so much trouble. I sent you a bunch of letters and pictures. I wrote you at least once a week with over three pages of letters. I wish I could have gone to your graduation, but seeing your posts and hearing you talk about it made me so proud. I was so proud of you. Proud to be in your life.

I was supposed to come visit you, but couldn't due to other circumstances. I was about to go to boot camp too. I just wanted to see you. Be in your arms. It was going to be a long time before we could try to see each other. While you were in tech school, you hung up my pictures on your desk. It hurts to think that you probably threw them  away along with the letters. I still have screenshots of funny or sweet things that you've said to me. 

I left for boot camp and was kicked out for having asthma. I felt like my whole future had been ripped away from me. It was devastating. But that's another story for another time. I still had you. Talking to you calmed me down. You talked me through a lot of how I was feeling. I knew as soon as we were able to visit, I had to tell you I love you. I wanted to do it in person. You were the calm in my storm. 

Everything was fine until it wasn't. Two weeks after I got home from Separations, I lost you. You read that right, dear readers. I lost who I thought was the love of my life two weeks after I was officially kicked out of the military. I felt like I had lost everything. 

But losing you was the worst part. 

Maybe we just got lost in translation. I'm not sure. Did I just expect too much from you? I just don't know. 

What I do know is, if I could go back, I would. I would try harder and fight for it to work. 

I’ll own up to my mistakes. I got scared and tried walking away a couple of times and we worked it out. You told me you didn't want me to throw away what we've worked hard for. Things started to get more and more difficult, though. More complicated. Then, you were the one who left. Nothing I said or did could fix that. 

I wanted nothing more than to see you and work it out, but that never happened.

We both said and did things that I know I regret. There's not a day that goes by that I wish I would have responded to you differently when you reached out to me, but I was angry and upset over what I perceived as you walking away. It kills me everyday knowing that at that point, we could have made up. Now it's too late. 

I thought I was standing my ground, but in reality, I was just reacting in anger. 

I’ll admit I had too much pride to tell you I missed you or that I wanted to make it work.

But some of the things that you said and did weren't called for either. I was constantly left second guessing and wondering what was going on with us. 

Communication began to deteriorate. I was constantly left confused by your words and your actions. You acted like you didn't know what you wanted.

You were the first person that gave me something to believe in. That maybe, happiness could be found with someone. I would think about you and the future. What it held with us. I never imagined it like this, though. I didn't want it to be like this. Never this. 

Regret is such a heavy burden to carry.

I talked about you all the time. I still do. I still think about you everyday. I hate myself for it at times.

I don't see the point in dating because I would only be wishing that person was you. I guess you can't give your heart out to anyone when someone else already has it.

Because if I had the ability to build the perfect person, it would still be you. All that you are. Flaws and all. You. 

You were always perfect to me. Even when you never saw it in yourself, love. 

So, maybe I don't hate you. But, I sure do miss you. I wish things were different, but I'm starting to accept that they're not and probably won't ever be. 

I'm so sorry for my part in everything. I wish I could actually tell you. I'm honestly too scared to even reach out to you at this point. Plus, part of me knows you'll never respond if I do. 

But I will say this, I do hope the best for you. I wish you well and hope you succeed at each and everything you do. I will always be rooting for you.... And I know that you're too far gone to even hope that I could ever have you back, but I can't lie and say that there won't always be a piece of me waiting patiently just in case that day ever comes. After all, I never did get to tell you that I love you."