Written By Belle Open
Author Bio: a little mermaid fan - Instagram: @belleopen
Once upon a time, it all began but without a reason and without intention, it will suddenly end but not happily ever after.
There was a time when you felt just about everything. Every tingle in your body, every ache on your back, every tickle in your bone and every sore in your muscles. And suddenly, the feelings are gone.
No more pain, no more sufferings, no more sobs but more than every other ally feeling to brokenness, the feeling of joy is taken away too. No more smiles, no more laughters and no more giggles.
Whatever once made your heart race and whatever broke you in this case flew away. Whatever made your skin crawl up or made you jig around in utter joy right now is gone. The things that made you smile so bright will no longer plaster a smile on that face of yours. You won’t find it humorous nor as interesting as you used to. You will no longer be at your happiest nor at your saddest but you will be you but not quite too.
Everything will stop making sense. All you will hear is a defeaning silence from the chattering crowd. Every bright blue sky and dark gray one start to make no difference. It is either a silent or a roaring storm.
Sunsets that were supposed to be beautiful, skyscrapers that were supposed to take your breath away, adventures that were supposed to excite you, a love that was supposed to sweep you off your feet, and impossibilities that you are supposed to keep on believing will all change. All those beautiful things that were supposed to make you feel alive like they always did will suddenly be whisked away.
Soon, the music you will hear will be a repeating monotonous melody. It will always be the same colorless images and meaningless interactions. All those that made your heart pound will fade into the abyss. It will all just sink. Everything will just drift away but it will still be there, within your reach, and yet impossible to grasp. You wouldn’t know why but your heart will change. It will all change. You will lose your life as you try to live it. You will be dying as you are living.
My thought of death was to be unable to find yourself incapable of waking up the next day. Did it mean, sleeping eternally in a coffin or be turned into ashes? Those were the choices. The concept of death in my head revolved within life ending as it is. Halting abruptly, no warning of the inevitable fate that is about to come and in a way, be gone.
I used to be afraid of death. The thought of gasping for air as it slowly escapes your body terrified me. How I would one day struggle to live— not survive scared me. Surviving is easy. Living, now that is tricky. I have imagined every crucial death that I could experience in this lifetime until the one I least expected became my death. I died while I was living.
It is probably hard to understand for some but some might actually do. There was death inside me. Death engulfed me. It took me long to realize. You could say I was a living corpse. I was one of the dead but I wasn’t in the afterlife. Compared to the actual dead people, I only knew the day I was born. There is no any evidence of my death. No one knew and no one noticed. At least they pretended to but finding a genuine soul out there who actually cared for you and not for the number of likes, retweets or shares they gain when they snap this moment in your life where you hope it will all finally create an impact in your life, was near to impossible.
It is a daily struggle of trying to be okay but not for you. Being okay for the sake of others who wants you to be okay. But you know you can’t be just yet.
You feel like you are stuck in an unusual coffin in a dimensional tomb. Suffering but without even knowing why. Having no idea why there was no life left inside of you. There are days when you would be pulled back in the living realm but you would not stay far too long because in a way, you did not want to stay and you could not. You think that you do not need to stay.
But you should. Stay.
Reality is where the storms are. Reality is where the battles are. Reality is where the pain is. Reality is where hate is. Reality is where you should dwell because it is only in reality where love resides and wherever you escape to, there is no love better when it is true. Love in reality may have a lot of fakes but it is only in reality where we experience the truest love the world can give.
And at those moments of death inside you, you will slowly fade but if you try harder, you will be found.
It might not be the life you wanted but it is exactly the life you needed. You will feel it all again.
Believe and be alive.