I hold her hand not knowing what is in store for me. She is leaving. She is leaving me now. She is leaving me for good. I couldn’t fathom what she is thinking. I could not see it in her eyes. Part of her is clouded by darkness. A cloud that seems to embody her life. A cloud, for what I know, is her.
I am used to leaving. I am used being left out. But today, her leaving is something I couldn’t comprehend. The only person who knows, who cares, finally going somewhere where I could no longer go.
I knew her, she wouldn’t say anything unless being asked. I knew her, she wouldn’t dare to stare on anyone’s eyes for long time because she might be read. Today, I don’t know her anymore. She is no longer the girl I ought to know. She is now a puzzle. Her leaving is a puzzle.
Or maybe not. There are certain feelings I know I feel but still deny their existence. And her leaving is one of them. The feeling of holding on is what I am feeling right now. But she knows what is best for me. She knows what I need to be. She knows in her leaving, she can finally set me free.
She says, “you will not be the same person again as yesterday.” I say, “why? Because you are leaving?” “Yes,” she utters as resounding as it may get, “I am the only one who is holding you back.” “It is okay, I can still contain you.” “No, you can’t!” “Yes, I can?” It is more of a question than a conviction. “I am now your past and I could no longer be with you tomorrow. Stop patronizing me as if you live for me. I am the past. I could no longer step in this moment.”
And when she said that, I understand, I could no longer be her.
Today, she turns her back. I turn mine. No looking back is what my mind is telling me. But I look back, and saw her and all the darkness. I look back, I saw me, my younger self, walking silently.
She’s right, I am now free. I am free from all those memories of the past. I am free of her, the only baggage I have since. But, she is also wrong. I am not the only one who is free, but also her. She can finally roam around without thinking of me, of her future. She can finally walk around, without the worry of time passing by her. She can, for once, enjoy her moment. And I could enjoy mine.