Monsters

Written By Ashley T Wilson

Author Bio: I'm Ashley. If Lara Jones and Indiana Jones had a baby, that's who I would be. I'm an Archeology major with a fairytale complex. I love good coffee, the blues, and living in the mountains.

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I'm haunted by the ghost of who I used to be
Do you know how much I want to scream
That's not who I am
It isn't me
I want my soul to just be free
I'm not the same little girl I was when I was eighteen
Or even twenty
Desperate just to feel anything
I know I said things
I know I did things
You say you hate me
but I already hate myself
Self loathing
It comes naturally
Childhood trauma turned to adult drama
I didn't want that
I didn't know how to deal with the pain inside me
Don't you see
I was broken for so long
Sometimes I just didn't know how to act
All because of my biological dad
Daddy issues, yeah, daddy issues
People would tell me just grab a tissue
It's not so bad
People have it worse than you
But do you know about abuse
Mental and emotional
Full of inner turmoil
I hate the things I did
The monster I became
Born out of hurt and confusion
But can you say you relate
People go through things everyday
It's not an excuse but I'm sorry
To all the ones I hurt in the process of finding myself
God, I'm so sorry
I just want to be kind and nothing else
Because you never really know what people are going through
Yeah it's true
Some people have it worse than you
But know me
No you don't really know me
First you have to know my story
I used to say things for the sake of being honest
Still got called a liar
But I realize now that I shouldn't have said some of the things I said
Just because you're being honest doesn't mean you're not hurting feelings
You don't know how people view themselves
There's repercussions to every action
People have their own perceptions
I got caught in some misconceptions
Regrets so many regrets
Mistakes
Mistake after mistake
But now don't you see I'm trying
I'm tied down to the weight of my past
I don't want it to follow me anymore
I'm so paranoid
Are my friends really my friends
Does everybody hate me
Will that last
Yeah, probably
Especially with depression and anxiety
But I get up and I try everyday
Because I decided I'm living my life a different way
I like to pretend that I don't care about what other people think
But you know we all do to some degree
I refuse to hate
Because monsters
They're not born
They're made