Written By Amy Steadman
Author Bio: I write in the moment, with no filter to my feelings. I am honest, open minded. - Social Media Links: @amysteadmann
I am afraid of loving someone like my father loved my mother and watching him leave just like she left him.
I was 12 when my mother first told me that I was old enough to survive without a mother figure in my life. What did I know at 12? Fuck all I can tell you. However I’d recently learned that the fairy-tale love story wasn’t realistic and that prince charming wasn’t going to come and save me. I had to save myself. Year by year I shut out love, because what is love? I’ve never understood maternal love, and that love is supposed to be pure and strong. The kind of love that loves you through all ugly stages. If my own mother didn’t love me, how could I possibly love myself?
Falling out of love, separation, and divorce has a profound effect on children, let alone the adults involved. Children are often put at the centre of divorces with good intention. But we won’t ever forget what we saw, what we heard and how we felt. The two people you’re supposed to look up to, ripping each other apart emotionally, verbally, and hey maybe even physically. It ruins all expectation of what love and life is supposed to be about. The demonstration has fallen apart. It leaves a gaping question of what if, what if I get married and it doesn’t work out, what if I have children and it doesn’t work out, what if I never find someone to love? Again what is love?
How can you accept love when the people who are supposed to love you endlessly walk out of your life as if you’re nothing to them? If the one person who’s supposed to stay and protect you leaves, then my god anything can happen right?
You made me fear love in the sense that you can do no wrong and still not be enough for someone. My own mother showed me that being myself was never enough. So whenever love appears no matter how big or strong I will always expect it to leave.