What Drifting Apart Feels Like

Written By Aditi V

Author Bio: Aditi is a med student that likes, in no specific order, to eat, sleep, cook, read, write and laugh. - Facebook: @aditi.vakil17


Most days of the week, your interests don't seem to line up. We have no clones and it’s completely natural to have different interests and have zero conversations on said interests, but if of late the once comfortable silences are being replaced by the 'I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-you' silences, it might be a sign that you're growing apart. 

It hits you that there hasn't been much room for you to grow in this friendship. This doesn't mean in terms of 'you still greet each other with that weird handshake that you established when you first met', but in terms of the roles you play or the way you're supposed to roll. Case in point: Way back when, you despised rom-coms. Today, you wouldn't mind watching one, but they still only plan on catching horror flicks with you because that's supposed to be your only thing. 

Or, the friendship itself hasn't grown. There’s nothing else ‘special’ you have to share except that inside joke on seagulls you had when you first met. There’s nothing new they have to say to you (but it’s not the same for other people and them). With others, the ‘special’ thing to say consistently refers to the latest thing they did together last week, but if you ask to hear about a special memory they have with you, it’s always the damn seagull.

The things that you thought wouldn't, shouldn't matter now do. Lunches and movies were once 'extras' that you didn't need to maintain the relationship - even without them, the two of you were always in sync. Now, memories from that last get-together act like concrete evidence that something still exists. 

You've got a clear image of two columns, for what you've 'given' and what you've 'taken' from this relationship of late. Again this goes with the point above - initially, these things didn't matter, to the point where it wouldn’t have been possible to draw a tally if you tried. Now…the other thing is, you find that even if the balance sheet is sorely tilted to one side, you don't really care. None of it is adding up to something that would affect you in the 'future' - because whether or not you acknowledge it, your subconscious doesn't see a future. 

Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. The (growing) distances just aren't accompanied with the usual 'elevation-onto-a-pedestal-because-we-hold-onto-the-good-and-look-at-the-past-with-rose-colored-glasses' phenomenon as they once did. Period. 

You suspect that the day you stop actively reaching out is the last day you'll hear from them. Maybe you've never had this thought till this very moment, or maybe you think it on every rare occasion you do find yourself calling them - either way, you also find that you don't know how to react. Whatever you're feeling though, it isn't an overwhelming wave of resistance or despair or a primal urge to fight to preserve what once was. 

And that's okay.
That's life.