Either You Want Me Or You Don’t, So Make Up Your Damn Mind

Written By Alice Higiro

Author Bio: I am simply a lover of love and life, passionate about broken and hurt people. My work reflects those two aspects. I'm a lay counsellor, dancer, writer, blogger, public speaker. - Website: brookofmylife.wordpress.com

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I love you, but I have greatly compromised myself. True love can blind, love can make us do the impossible. I have loved you with all my heart, mind and soul. The problem isn’t even that it’s not enough, but that I’m giving you over and above.

I’ve hated myself for loving too much, giving too much and caring too much. I’ve blamed myself for my heartbreaks and for not learning from my mistakes. But you know what? No more of that.

I have not done wrong by loving you too much, giving you too much, and caring too much for you.

I will apologize no more for giving what I had and giving it in plenty. I was in denial for too long, I wanted my relationship with you to be so right; I overran my own peace of mind. The guy in the past, and you, have both made me feel bad for being too much, but I choose to rejoice over my “too much” rather than apologize for it.

Somewhere out there is a somebody able and ready to receive in full all that I have to offer.

Not that I’m perfect (I never will be) but I believe there is a person out there that’s not afraid to hold my heart with the intensity of love that comes with it, and the overwhelming passion it possesses. I understand you emote and process differently, and I appreciate it, it’s just not compatible with me.

I love you, I will always treasure you in my heart. The extent of loving I reached with you will forever be unique, I’ve never experienced anything like it, but I must leave. Leave not because I don’t like you, but leave for my own sanity, for the flowers in my heart to bloom with no fear of drought, or fear of being cut down because they are blossoming too bright, or for fear of blooming in an environment that cannot contain them. I don’t know where, but somewhere out there is a ground that is less confusing to my roots, a ground that will allow my petals to sprout and beam in the light of the sun, a ground that will nurture me to be the full bloomed flower I’m supposed to be, a ground that will hold my roots and support my being.

Why is it that you are the one person that understands stuff that I go through, gives me great counsel, lends me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and one who makes all sorts of butterflies scatter in my stomach, and yet the same person who makes me feel bad for being “too much”?

You’re the person that makes me so happy and yet so sad.

I don’t think love should be this confusing. I know love isn’t perfect, always happy, always cheerful, but I also don’t believe it should make one end miserable at the hand of the other. All I need to know from you in all straight honesty is: what do you really want from me? Don’t hold it in fear of hurting me or anything. If you’re not sure, tell me. If you don’t want it, tell me. And if you just need time, tell me that too, but don’t just go off quiet, and expect me to walk along not knowing where I stand.

I’m done walking blind. Either you want me or you don’t, I need to know.

I don’t even know if you think about me as much as I about you, I don’t know if you look at me and feel proud just for no reason, if you look at me and think the world of me. All I wanted was for you to randomly say you miss me, ask me if I’m free for lunch, ask if I want to hang out with you, ask if I want to run away to the countryside with you, or hide away in a quiet place with you all day.

But now, I take back my heart; I take back my love. 

I’ve been through enough pain and agony, I don’t know how to go about these scars I bear, I’ll figure it out some day, but for now, it’s time I give my heart a break and allow it to focus on itself for once. I don’t know how to hold myself back from fully loving, trusting, and committing to someone I love, and I don’t intend on stopping. I just hope that the next one will be the one to redeem this shattered heart, that the next one will be worth it, that he will love me for my “too much.”