Too Big True Love

Written By Priyanka Vakil

BIO: Third-culture professional in the international, human rights/legal field with a focus on youth and kids and access to resources. I'm constantly searching for the words that convey the simplicity and the depth of this human experience but find it easier to do so by being.

When you can't be with the person you love in the way you hoped, what are you supposed to do?

Well, there is no supposed to do. You just make it up as you go. You stop talking to the person. You vow never to date anyone else again. You promise yourself to put your needs first and focus on your growth because that's what you've got to do. You start to let go of the way you hoped it would turn out. And you will recite all these words I'm saying because you will retaliate with "I can" but you'll still want to know how to accommodate all that love without the person to receive it. How do you selfishly stay with all of this and not let them know? 


The thing is you aren't staying with the love. That love is your healer. That love is your companion. That love doesn't need an object, it never needed an object and it never needed them. You hit the jackpot, darling. You got access to a part of your true being and that is the result of it: pure love and pure sorrow. That is it. The goal now is to not accommodate for love or sorrow, it is to allow them to take their right place because the space was made for them. Maybe the space was made when he left or things ended, but that was his gift to you: all the love you had in you always. He just showed you your special. He didn't want it. He never wanted it. He was there to show you your special and to be there with you while you discovered what you were capable of and how much you could do and that's all. She wasn't a requirement for that love, she just happened to be the teacher you didn't know you needed. And maybe, you were her teacher for the very same thing. You will never know the extent to which you mattered to him, maybe still even do. You will never know the hurt she went through. Maybe he is healing on his own or maybe he moved past it but that is his journey, one that you must respect. Like you must respect your own.

So what do you do when you want to reach out to her because you're convinced that she needs to be aware of all this love you're holding in your arms? You thank her with silence. You don't dwell on memories. You don't expect miracles because you have one in your arms. You show him all that love in your arms by giving it away to everyone, indiscriminately. You don't hold on to that love. You'll see how you keep giving it out, in his name, and how it never seems to run out. And you still ask, what do I do with all this leftover love? It's not leftover, it's limitless. It's your birthright and it's yours to give it away. It's why you don't need to love yourself. It's what you are. It's what flows out of everything you do. All your actions, your thoughts, your dreams. It is love. It's what you are every moment. You keep giving it away because you start to notice, that when you give things away, you don't become empty.

You are not alone.