Written By Ashley Cataquet
Author Bio: A writer and plenty more.
Having space is essential in my life.
I yearn for that time when I first wake up and stretch my arms and legs as wide as I desire, without having to worry about being in someone’s way. I love getting out of bed and making as much noise as I please while I get ready. Or as little. I like pouring coffee and sitting at the table, getting to decide if I want the lights on or off (with not having to explain how I find lights off and natural light more relaxing in the morning). I look forward to pursuing my own things. Not fretting if I answered your text yet, in a timely manner. Even if I didn’t feel like leaving the house.
I want to have the ability to come home, whenever. To not have to think about discussing every event of my day. That can come later, after I do whatever I must to ease out of it. Just wine and a bath and sleep; just ice cream and Netflix and sleep; just sleep. I want to be able to sleep soundly. Spacious, dark, cool, quiet.
Please understand that this space is a true part of my being. I need freedom, independence, silence. I crave it. I crave time to be totally myself, without having to worry about explaining, justifying, reasoning. Time where the only company I’ll enjoy is with my thoughts. It’s what I’ll always chase after. And you chasing after me will only send me farther, faster. I don’t want our lives to become so entangled that we can’t separate ourselves. I need to still just be me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do want you there. I want to spend time with you. Day or night. I need you to be there when I need to talk, or work something out when I have an indecisive day. Or a bad day. Or sad day. I truly want there to be an “us”. I want to share and create experiences and memories as an “us”. Just not as a "24/7, every single second, everything-always-together" us. I know it sounds selfish. And maybe it is. But for me, this is how it has to be.
There are a lot of things about me that are opposing, contradictory. This is probably at the top. I always want you around, but not always. It’s confusing. But I guess an uncomplicated way to put it is please give me space; but please, not too much.