I Grew Up, Dad.

Written By Angela Mari Solis

Author Bio: But everyone's a little broken. - Twitter: @gengelamari

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It's the darkness that gets to you. One moment you're thinking of going to sleep and just closing your eyes. The next, you see scenarios playing back and forth inside your head. It's kind of a movie marathon really. The first clip plays, it shows you how you messed up spelling "retrospective" and yeah you know it's nonsense but it plays over and over again like someone has tapped on the infinity sign on snapchat resulting to a never ending story. Not until you tap the screen for the next clip. But unlike snapchat, your story goes from latest to ancient. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. You think of ways and moments on how little by little you messed up your life. 

The simplest mistakes always make you feel like you've ruined everything. Every chance you had. Every good you've done invalidated in a matter of milliseconds. You're drowning of every thought, every word and every letter of a name that haunted you even before you even knew what the alphabet was. Even before you knew how to read it. Or hell, even pronounce it. Damn, it all goes back to the three-letter word you never had and never will have. 

I always waited for you by the door. Always thought you'd be there on birthdays, family gatherings or even hospital visits. You were always on my dreams, my little, perfect, make believe world. I always wished to Santa for you to come home, always prayed to God that you were safe that you could someday find your way back to us.

Dad, I always thought you were coming back. I always held on to something that wasn't even there to begin with. I never thought I could learn so much from a person who I barely knew or even talk to. It's like a cosmic joke that repeatedly slapped my face and kept welcoming it to my life.

I grew up, Dad.

I don't wait for you by the door anymore. Or even think you'd be there on birthdays, family gatherings or even hospital visits. I accepted the fact that you will always be part of my make believe, my little perfect world that I always thought I needed. I don't send wishes to Santa anymore or pray to God every night that one day you show up and tell me that you're here to stay. 

I'm not your little angel anymore. The one you left behind that day. The tears run dry, emotions voided, feelings dropped to the ground. I don't want you back in my life.