A Man's Mind

Written By Antonette Hudak

Author Bio: Antonette is a LA based writer and actress. Raising money to create a feature film "Layla" gofundme.com/wucws-layla - Instagram: @toniwh0daka - Facebook: @antonette.leonie - Tumblr: n0resistance.tumblr.com

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I am 26 and have been dating since I was 14 years old. I've dated a spectrum of men. Only a couple serious relationships. I don't judge much by race, age, or profession. 

I look to learn something and find a good hearted person I'd like to have fun with. Share my time with. I have masculine energy and tend to love men who are a bit more feminine. I believe opposites attract. However, what I never understood was how to understand a man and how he thinks. 

Maybe a man isn't allowed to cry and express how he really feels, and it manifests in a lot of hurtful ways or internal despair. Maybe they say what you want to hear so you don't nag and fish for it as a female. I've always wanted a relationship that was pure, real, and true. A person with whom I can be bare and vulnerable with. Not have to worry if he's gonna be there or love me tomorrow. 

The men I've dated have always said I love you, talked about moving in together, or a future. I'm such a complex woman that if we were to make it work we would have to create a plan and commit. Near or far. Love is love. I've always believed in the grandiose of love stories. Sometimes I felt I would have them until they went all wrong. I know myself. I know I won't be in the same place for too long for my love of travel and goals, I know that I love my friends, family, and dog with all my heart; and that my life consists of sacrificing to create art. I know I'm honest and I know how to say sorry. 

I know I want an adventurous life. A man to travel the world with and who will be supportive in any endeavor and I promise to do the same. What I've learned through experience. Is to focus on yourself and your growth. Your self-respect. Especially if you shared a life with someone. When they leave it feels like they died to you. To cope you must live as if they were there anyway. Spend time with yourself. Explore new things and get used to not telling someone your play by play. Be creative and not fear of judgment. Hope and have faith that the true person who belongs in your life will be there.

I've come to accept that I'll never understand a man's mind. I've always wanted to be loved just for being myself. For independence, a sense of adventure, and creativity. A love for people. I guess reliability is hard to find. To protect oneself as a woman, we must really love ourselves, because we as women will never understand a man's mind. My mother taught me that.