A doorway, to me, was the most terrifying thing. What was on the other side? Was it good? Was it bad? Would it hurt me?
The physical action of opening a door and walking through still makes me anxious. I used to stand by the door for 10 minutes, just thinking about every situation that could occur once I’d stepped through. And for the front door to the outside, this was just too much and would be avoided at all costs.
But it's just a door right?
No, it's a portal to a potential argument or somewhere where there's tension. It's a gateway to dealing with the pressures of education and work. It's an opening to social pressures and anxieties.
Maybe it was the mental idea of not being able to process change in a way that wouldn’t make me go into a full blown anxiety meltdown. The idea that opening a closed door would bring unexpected events that could change that hour or that day or my life. The saying 'When one door shuts, another one opens' just made me panic. I didn't want another one to open. I wanted to be with the four walls that knew me so well in a place with no surprises or anxieties. But being confined to a room brings its own level of anxiety. You become safe in a false sense of security that has been created by your mind. And all you have is yourself.
And that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to get away from: myself.