This Is Goodbye

Written By Aditi V

Author Bio: Aditi is a med student that likes, in no specific order, to eat, sleep, cook, read, write and laugh. - Facebook: @aditi.vakil17

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This is the letter everyone says I'm meant to write. The one I'm supposed to write up on loose leaf, then toss it out once it leaves me feeling calm and zen-like.

Clearly I'm taking a slightly different route.
Why?
Quite simply, I don't want all of this to have meant nothing. I don't want to have gone through all of this just to carry the 'lesson' from this with me, for my consumption only.

Yet I'm not going to send this to you, personally. I don't feel like there's anything to be gained from doing that: we're past the point where I could tell you where I'm hurting, where I've been hurt, and you're going to be able to do something about it…if at all you want to, because honestly, I don't know that you care.

I don't even feel like I owe it to you 'because I'd want to know if things were the other way around'. I've realized now that I don't. As awful of a person as this makes me, I feel like if I ever said that now, it's more because I want self-validation, that I want to matter, than anything else. It's not that I wish you ill - and I hope you believe that if there was something that only I could do, I'd be happy to - but if I'm brutally honest, that's because that's the kind of person I aspire to be. It's not so much about being there for you, in particular, because I know that it- and I- don't matter much to you. 

And that's okay. 

Whatever it was we had, is gone, and I fully accept responsibility for my part in this thing – whatever you want to call it – that we’re stuck in. 

My trust in you was broken, with the times I tried to talk to you and it went nowhere, with all the times you've gone silent on me because whatever it was, you always had more important things to do. I keep comparing that to people who've tried to maintain a conversation with the silliest of things, and I'm pretty sure not everything I say is a conversation-killer...it hurts but I guess you're not there in that headspace anymore. 
It hurt, rather. Past tense. 

It hurt, and yet I've pretended like it's all okay, like I'm fine with whatever I'm getting. I wish I hadn't, because in that process I've convinced you, I think, that we're as okay as we ever were. I'm lying though, and I know it. And because I know that I'm being deceptive, it's hard for me to take you at face value. Ironic, isn't it? I guess this is the punishment I deserve - karma coming right back at me. 
Maybe the moments when you 'prove' to me that I'm right, that you're not really interested/invested in me, are highlighted in my memory because I look for them to absolve myself of what I'm doing…or maybe not. I don't know. I know that I'm putting a lot of pressure that way, expecting way too much, but frankly, it feels like I'm having to give you the benefit of doubt too often. I have to remind myself that maybe I'm asking for too much, too often. 

And that doesn't happen with other people. So in as much as this is on me, I'm not going to do what I usually do and absolve you of all responsibility either. Even if it's just to salvage my own pride/self-esteem/self-image, this time I'll let you carry some of the burden of this. If this even is a burden to you, of course.

I hope you see though that I'm not angry at you for this.
I am a little sad that this is how it is, but I refuse to do this anymore. 

See, the thing is, I know I could still try to talk to you, explain to you how this is so much more of a big deal, and maybe you'd acknowledge it in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm an overreacting idiot, but then what? As it stands now, there's no answer to that question that would leave us happy. Even if you started treating me like you once used to, I'm never going to get out of my head that I've had to force you to and that'll still destroy us. 

Maybe I'll feel like an idiot for being so stubborn, for declaring that I'm not going to even try…but this is where everything I said earlier comes up again - with you, I can't even think of a good-enough reason to try. There's a difference between trying to surmount a challenge and overcome obstacles, and jumping into a lost battle for no reason whatsoever - and right now, I feel like someone who's finally seen the light - as opposed to a failure who's given up all too easily. 

Maybe someday this will turn into a war I could have won - maybe with you, maybe with someone else. Right now though, this is it.

Goodbye.