I Choose Me

Written By Allison Russell

Author Bio: Just a girl from Montreal letting go of fears and taking control of their life. I want to be better than I was the day before and do all the things that scare me. - Instagram: @theallisonrussell - Website: allisonrussell.com

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I love you.
But I am choosing to love myself more.
I know you are struggling. I know you have a hard time asking for help.
I have been trying.
Trying to be patient.
Trying to accept behaviour that has turned you into a stranger.
Trying to monitor what I say and how I say it for fear it will be misconstrued.
But I can not any longer.
I love myself and you are not meeting my standards.
Is it too much to ask to be treated with respect?
Is it too much to ask that you be honest with me?
That if you have something to say you stop acting like a coward and say it.
After everything we have been through, all the obstacles we have overcome, this is the best you
can offer me?
Silence.
Slanderous lies about my character.
You have said things about me, the person you grew up with, a person you have claimed to
love, as if I am nothing.
As if our history means nothing to you.
You have lied to save yourself.
I am not worth the effort it would require of you to take responsibility for your own actions.
Its hurts me to say, but I can not love you anymore.
How could we ever go back to how we used to be?
How can I forget the things you have said?
How can I forget the things you have done?
I can not visualize a place where I would be able to forgive you.
My heart is broken and I have cried more than I care to admit.
But I am getting stronger.
I will move on and I will use this experience to make me better and more resilient.
To make me more successful.
As much as I have hurt, I now realize what I am worth. And you are not worthy of me.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone who does not quit on me.
I deserve someone who loves me enough to talk to me, to forgive me.
I choose me.
It hurts that I can not let myself love you anymore. But it hurts less when I think about the fact
that you never could have loved me as I loved you. I know that for a fact, because I would never
have treated you as you have so easily treated me.
I loved you.
But now I choose to love me.