I Push

Written By Alejandra Molina

BIO: I was always a very hyper child with a vivid imagination, and one day I put my imagination on paper and that was it, I fell in love with writing and putting my thoughts and words to paper. I can write anything but my favorite is putting my experiences into beautiful words hoping that people can relate, I feel that it's a raw perspective on the way I think.  Instagram: @alejandra.xoxx

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Sometimes I feel so at war with myself. I want to let you in, I want to fall head over heels in love with you. My heart is begging me to do it, it knows that you’re not like the others and still I listen to my brain. 

I’m sorry that I’m like this, I can’t help that up to this point every guy who promised he was different turned out to be the same. 

Every guy who claimed that I was “the best thing to ever happen to them” turned around and found a better thing. 

But you’re not just any guy, you’re a guy I’ve known for years, you saw my many bad layers and only ever focused on the good one that was hidden way behind the others. 

You’re the guy who admitted to being okay with being “just friends” because you were terrified to lose me. 

But I push people away it’s an awful habit that I’ve picked up on, because truth is, it’s easier to push you away, it’s easier to tell people that things “just didn’t work out” than to tell them that I pushed you away because I’m scared to let go and just love. 

I lead you on, I lead myself on and then I build walls, I throw obstacles to ensure that you make one wrong move and then that’s it, I have my excuse to push you out of my life with no explanation. 

You’ll wonder what happened, if it was something you did but contrary to what my silence might make you believe, you did nothing wrong. 

It was me, I’m the sick twisted one who plays games with other people’s emotions and with my own because my heart has been broken too many times, and now i break them before they break mine.