I See You

Written By Christine Gleim - Christine is a recent college graduate trying to find her place in the world. First and foremost she is a scientist, but she loves to relax and create through writing. She can be found with her nose in a mystery or science fiction novel, obsessing over a show on Netflix, or out on a long walk.

i see you

I was in love once before and when he left it shattered my world and left my heart in pieces like glass on the floor.  It took over a year to get over him and even longer to stop the heartache from spreading over me every twenty fourth of February.  And then for years it was just me. Until I met you.  I was not even looking for someone and I never saw it coming with you.  It was months before I realized how I felt and when I thought you liked me too I finally stopped lying to myself and gave into the feelings.  I let myself fall for you and I fell hard.  And then I fell in love with you.  But you left too and much too soon.  When you left you tore my world apart and it hurt worse than when the boy left me years before.    

It has been months now and I am still missing you.  I will admit that maybe it is getting easier to go through life without you.  Sometimes when I wake up you are only the fifth thing I think of instead of the first, but other days I wake up and miss you as soon as I turn off my alarm.  I tell myself it is crazy to feel this way, especially since I only knew you for six months and I dated the boy who broke my heart for two years.  It does not make any sense that this hurts even more.    

And the craziest thing is that I can still see you.  I see you wherever I go.  I know exactly what you would do or say in those moments.  I never did that with him.  I could not picture him in my everyday life.  But I see you.   

 I can see you beside me at dinner out with my best friends.  You would agree with my best friend’s husband because I always take her side.  You would be so amused by the things that she can say to me.  I know what it would be like in the car with you singing along with Panic! At the Disco and watching the Doc Ock keychain swing on your rearview mirror as I stole glances at you.  Sometimes when it was late at night and quiet we would be listening to Frank Sinatra and I know you would be singing along.      

When I go out third (or sometimes fifth) wheeling my best friends I can always picture how you would act and what you would say if you were there beside me.  The night I went bowling with them, if you had been there you would have made a comment about the Miller Lite sign and how crappy that beer is (put much more colorfully of course).  You would have hated the country music playing and made so much fun of it.  The people in the lanes beside us would have been fodder for your social commentary.  You would have been leaning over to make comments about the rednecks to our right, especially the guy who was third wheeling.  You would have had so much to say about the high schoolers to our left and that kid who threw the ball in the gutter nearly every time.  You would have loved how relaxed I am around my best friends.  And though I cannot describe it, I can see how you would react if you bowled a strike.     

 The other night at the country music concert at the fair, I could see you.  You would have been there for me because you are not really a country music fan.  You would have had so much to say about the crowd of concert goers, country folks and wannabes.  You would have probably complained about the low quality of the beer and joked about how you might need more than one to get through the night.  You would have laughed at my best friend and me acting a little crazy and excited.  

And it’s not only the big moments when I see you, I can picture you in the little ones too.  I know how you would arrive at my house and walk to my front door with a six pack of Red’s and a movie.  When I am lying on the couch at night watching episodes of Magnum P.I., I know how it would feel to have my head on your lap and how you would be picking on me for loving 80’s detective shows so much.  I know how you would lean against the side of your car, ankles crossed, head bent over your phone laughing to yourself about something if you were waiting outside of work to surprise me.  I would see you before you saw me and that ridiculous smile that only my best friends know would spread across my face and I would just watch you for a second or two.  I could always watch you, there was just something about the way you moved especially when you did not know anyone was watching.  I know how you would push off the side of your car when you saw me and smile and walk toward me for a hug.

I don’t even have to try to imagine it.  I can just see how things would have, should have, played out differently for us.  When I have these thoughts I catch myself smiling out loud before I feel that twinge in my heart because you are not here.  Sometimes I wish it would stop, that I couldn’t see you so clearly, but then again the fact that I can picture it tells me that it was real.  That what we had, no matter how short, was real. You are not here and it is becoming more and more likely that you never will be, but that does not stop me from still hoping to find out what it would be like with you.
    Maybe you can’t see me anymore, but it is going to take me a long time to stop seeing you.