I Just Need You Back In My Life

Written By Cassie GacottI just need to let it all out, or I might just… lose control. Facebook: @cgacott & Twitter: @cgacott


I Just Need You Back In My Life

It was just a few weeks ago when I wrote about you and when I admitted that well, you still have a special place in my life, and I guess you never stopped having one.

I felt a familiar pang in my chest while I observe you from a far, being teased to a girl that is not me. I have always been in love with men I get to be with as regular as possible-- I fall fast, you see. This fact gets broken by you. I do not get those usual fast heart beats or knots in my tummy. Everything just stands frozen when you're around. And when you get paired up with someone else, everything is still frozen and cold, except my heart that feels that intense pang.

Months have passed, or maybe a year already since we were that close. We rarely talked because we no longer have those usual classes together-- and maybe because, you were just plainly running away from me. I always thought that maybe you knew, although I hope you don't, but I think you do. I like you so much that I don't even know how to label it. I know it isn't love yet, but it's just something a little less stronger than that; feelings placed somewhere in between like and love. You are that special.

Now, seeing you smile in a way that you never did with me really makes me think what I did wrong. You smiled at her and because of her in a way that would melt someone's heart. A smile that I have always longed for myself, but never had. Even after all these times, you still have that control over my heart, even if you don't know, even if you do not intend to, even if you do not want to.

Being teased with a friend gave me that pang all over again. I didn't know how to react to it. I want to know the truth behind it, if there was a root to it, but I couldn't. Not because I have no courage to do so, but because I think I have no right to ask about it. Even as a friend, I can't because I am not even sure anymore if we're still friends after you avoided me so many times.

I miss you and how we used to be, how you used to be discreetly caring to me. I hated myself for showing too much emotions on you. I guess I scared you off. I did scare you off enough to just shut me out. I wished I acted differently towards you. Maybe we were still where we left off before. But I guess it's too late now and maybe, just maybe, we weren't really meant to be that close. We’d stepped on an unknown boundary-- I'd like to think of it as that way, because I can no longer afford to blame myself of how stupid I was to be that obvious. I have thought at first that everyone knew except you-- you were too oblivious. Until I felt how you began staying out of my way and I realized, you knew. You always have.

Whether it was true or not, I know you are happy. I hope you are. I want the best for you. Don't all "overly caring" people love to see the people they immensely care for to be happy? I just wish we could all go back to being friends. At least that, I hope you could give to me. I'll be waiting, until you are ready enough.